After Nine To Five

Brandon Christopher Warren / Foter.com / CC BY-NC

How is your week so far?

I’ve got vacation brain to the max. Every thing I do somehow feels like it relates to our trip, even if there’s nothing that easily links the two. Cleaning the cat litter box? Hooray – I won’t have to do it next week! Answering emails? I’ll be emailing photos of NYC and DC next week! Driving in the car? I’ll be taking the subway next week!

Endless.

And ridiculous.

But it just reminds me of why this trip is the perfect thing for me.

Maybe it’s just me – it sure as hell feels like it’s just me – but I have the urge to do something new all the time. And by all the time, I literally mean all the time. Every week, every day, every waking hour. New book, new song, new movie, new food, new place, new experience?

Can’t get there fast enough.

When I say it out-loud or even type it out, guilt creeps in. Fast and ongoing. I start to question my motives, my hopes, and my dreams. Is anything ever good enough for me? Does anything last long enough to keep my interest for more than a few hours? Am I just not appreciating what I have in life?

Deep down, I know none of this is true. I know that things are good enough for me, and that things can last long enough to keep my interest for more than a few hours, and I truly do appreciate the things in my life. But I still want more.

I’ve spent years apologizing for this trait of mine. One that is most likely one of the key traits that define me. I’ve apologized for wanting more, dreaming more, and needing more to feel at peace. I’ve apologize for my actions, ideas, and thoughts. Not because I truly felt as if I were doing something wrong, but because I felt like I was breaking the rules by being this way.

Our society has made it seem as if what I’m doing, wanting, and needing is unacceptable. It’s greedy, selfish, and impolite. Yet none of those feelings resonate with me when I’m awaiting my next big adventure. These actions aren’t fueled by the need for more from anyone or anything – they’re fueled by a want to immerse myself in life.

I have a thirst for living. How is that negative? How is a want to experience everything that life has to offer reflected in such poor lighting? And why is being willing to die trying such a

I aim to live with no regrets. Not because I never dig deep enough in life to regret something, but because I want to make mistakes that allow me to grow. I want to take risks because I want to reap the rewards. I want to try something new just because I want to say I did it – even if I end up hating it.

Because at the end of the day, I’m terrified of dying.

Not because of what happens next or even being gone. But because the idea of taking my last breath and thinking about the things I missed out on weighs heavy on me. Really heavy. Heavy enough that it’s always there, every single day, reminding me to dream just a bit bigger and go just a bit farther because there may be something truly amazing that’s currently just out of my reach.

And I think it’s my turn to experience those things that are just out of my reach instead of saying “maybe some day, when someone else isn’t around to judge my actions.” I think it’s my turn to say I’m done with the apologies. I’m done with the guilt for wanting to experience things and the frustration that stems from not fulfilling a core need of my own. I’m done with the emptiness that sits in my soul while I wait to find the perfect timing for someone to approve of my life’s choices. I’m done with waiting for my own version of Wonderland when it’s truly just waiting outside of my doors.

I’m using this trip to embrace myself, my life, and everything is has to offer. And I know I’m going to come back a better version of myself because there’s no better way to boost your inner self’s confidence than to surround yourself in things you thrive on with the person you love more than anything in the world for ten days.

Happy Tuesday, friends. :)