{ cross-posted on And a DIY Life }
Over the weekend my Grandpa passed away.
My nieces were moments away from leaving from their recent two-week stay in town and I got the phone call. I hardly cried, and I haven’t shed many more tears since then. Call it shock, call it understanding, call it growing up – it still hurts.
We weren’t really close by the end of it, but I used to spend a lot more time with him over the summers. We shared a birthday and would call each other on our special days to wish the other one a happy birthday, seeing who would get there first. It was a fun game that I never really appreciated until I knew it wouldn’t happen anymore.
Those that know me well, know I don’t cope with death very well. I’d like to say I trust that people go to a better place, filled with no pain and no suffering, but I don’t. I hope for that, and I trust that if there is such a place, he’s there. But it’s still hard to imagine that come Thanksgiving when everyone gets together and holds hands before we eat, he won’t be the one saying the prayer and showing everyone the kindness and love from the bottom of his heart.
My other Grandpa passed away last year weeks before our wedding and being without a Grandpa now is a tough reminder that life really is too short. Too short to worry about things that don’t matter. Too short to hold myself back from things. Too short to doubt myself. Too short to not live or surround myself in the things, people, and work that I love doing.
Since I’ve started blogging back in October 2010, I’ve lost two Grandpas and our rabbit. I’ve had to grow up in ways I wasn’t ready to in the past 20 or so months, and it’s been such an eye-opening experience to have a place to document the emotions that felt so surreal at the time (and still do.) Life isn’t always easy and sometimes it’s really hard to navigate through it when it’s all in your head. I’m grateful to have this forum to get it down on paper, in a sense.
I don’t know what this upcoming week holds yet, but I know that it’s going be tough and long. I know that some moments will seem darker than others and sometimes it’s going to feel like it’s just too much. But knowing that ahead of time makes it much easier to be the best version of me I can be for myself and for my loved ones this week. I vow not to let this break me and to honor what I know he would want for me - to continue to live.
For the ones that sent me an email, or a tweet, or a FB message – thank you for your support. You’ve reminded me why the blogging world is such a beautiful place and why I became a part of it in the first place. If I owe you anything, I’ll get it to you as soon as possible.
I choose solitude over social scenes. Tea and wine over soda and beer. Simplicities over complexities. And chocolate over all of those things any day.
I’m sorry for your loss. I know your grief is heavy right now. I’m much older than you (47) but I’ve lost all of my grandparents and one parent already. I know you’re probably being told “it gets better with time”. I hated hearing that! Yeah, it does get a little better but not really. You’ll still have tough days but it helps to concentrate on remembering the happy times. You said something important in your post, “to honor what I know he would want for me”. THAT will get you through the hard times.
God bless you,
Shasta @ InTheOldRoad
Thank you so much for your kind words, Shasta! I know what you said is right and it’s much easier knowing that it will help me get through this.
Ashley
I’m so sorry to hear that; I’m thinking of you.
Thank you, Sarah!
Thinking of you and remembering my grandfather with a smile. He was a treasure and I know in time your memories of your grandfather will feel that way too. Little treasures to bring out and share from time to time. I especially like sharing him with my children that were never able to know him. May God hold you and your family tight this week.
I truly do appreciate your kind words, Lauren! I know that even know, he’s becoming more of a treasure for me. :)
ashley
Hey lovely lady. I saw your tweet. I lost my Grandma in 2008 – I miss her buckets and wonder what she’d think about things now. I know I cried loads but I don’t think my Dad cried until the funeral – and even then it was in private away from everyone else.
Everyone grieves in their own way, you do it in your way whether that is crying your eyes out until you can’t cry any more or whether it’s starring at a wall. The day after my Grandma passed away I didn’t know what the procedure was with regards to work but I knew I couldn’t stay at home because I’d just star at the wall and it would drive me bonkers. I went into work (having abandoned all my stuff across my desk and left in a rush I needed to make sure my stuff was covered) and started working. My manager arrived shortly after 9am and told me off and sent me home. Thankfully I work in a little office so my colleagues all stick together. If there is a problem we cover it.
Sending you huge hugs and as I said on the tweet – if you need anything (that I can help with from this far away!) let me know.
Thank you so much for your support!
I’ve had a lot of work to do lately which helped me keep my mind off of it, but even when things slowed.. I still didn’t cry. I haven’t yet and I wonder if I ever will or if I was just better able to mourn the loss this time.
Either way, thank you again. :)
I am so, so sorry, lovely lady. *big big big hug* Everyone has a different way of mourning – when my mom died, I didn’t cry for about a month. I was upset… but not hysterical, didn’t cry, etc. and my sisters were offended that I didn’t show much emotion. Eventually, they asked Jen “isn’t she mourning?!” and Jen explained that, yes, I was, just in my own way.
I wasn’t close with my grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc. so my mom’s was the only human death that REALLY affected me. Pets dying hit me even harder, emotionally, as they’re like my children.
Anyway, I’m not helping much, am I? Listen, lady, if you need anything LET ME KNOW> I’m here for you. <3 Love ya.
The losses we’ve had with our pets have hit me the hardest. For us, they are our children right now and I spend a huge amount of time with them. But even now, I’ve yet to cry but I still feel like I’m mourning his loss. It’s nice to know I’m not alone when it comes to the way I’m behaving, honestly.
ashley
So sorry for your lost! Definitely thinking about you!
loss*
Thank you, Kristina!
I’m so sorry for your loss and I’ll be thinking of you and praying for you. Sending you lots and lots of love! xoxoxo
Thank you, Danielle!
My condolences to you. My last living grandparent passed away two months ago, and it was tough on me as well. It’s always bittersweet when someone so wonderful passes, but it sounds like your grandpa lived a lovely, full life, and at the very least, he’s no longer bound my whatever physical ailments he may have had here. And you’ve got the right perspective–he’s probably happiest for you when you’re still living and doing what you love. So please, keep it up for him and for the rest of us! I don’t know you, and I just recently started following your posts, but goodness me–I’m so glad you blog. You’ve got my thoughts and prayers along with dozens (if not hundreds) of others to buoy you up. <3
Thank you so much, Janae. Your kind words and support mean SO much to me. I appreciate it more than words can express. :)
ashley
Sorry for your loss Ashley! Losing a loved on is the worst part about growing up…
Thanks so much for your kind words, Kassi!
So sorry to hear about your loss! I’ll be thinking of you and your family.
Thank you, Caitlin!