Source: facebook.com via Ashley on Pinterest
Years ago, I blamed everyone for my misfortunes. My parents were at fault when I was younger. My boyfriends were at fault when I grew older. I always had someone to point the finger at to ensure that it was never me to blame.
By doing this, I always found a way to throw myself the most lavish pity parties. They lasted for days, if not weeks. I felt sorry for myself and the life I was thrown into. I wallowed. And anger followed any attempt to point out that my life wasn’t that bad.
I’d like to say I just got smarter, grew up and realized I was being my own worst enemy, but that’s not the full truth. I did get smarter. And I did grow up. And I did realize I was being my own worst enemy. But it took being cheated on for any of that to happen.
Days after the realization of what occurred hit me, I wallowed more than ever. It was the most extravagant, and the most depressing, pity party I had to date. And maybe some of it was acceptable. Maybe some of the tears shed were worth it and maybe some of the agonizing anxiety-filled nights were my own way of grieving.
But most of it was just me, looking to play the victim.
And while this post isn’t about what happened years ago, that moment defined who I am today. Because after a few weeks of spending far too much time at my parents house and closing myself off to the world that surrounded me, I broke.
A million little pieces type of break. I saw myself, the miserable shadow of a scorned woman who felt betrayed and alone, for what I was. I saw who I had become and the pieces of me that were every which way but right. And instead of wallowing more, shaming myself for what I was and who I had become, I held my head high.
I accepted my mistakes. My downfalls. My tormented patterns. I accepted my flaws and misfortunes. I accepted those around me for what they were and moved on from what I felt they should be. I accepted my sadness, my anger, and my uncertainty. I accepted the fate that had fallen on me through the actions of my ex as a blessing, no longer a curse.
And in those moments, I lost my need to pity myself. And with it, my want to pity anyone else. While my intention isn’t to brag, this has been one of the most rewarding and most challenging experiences I have ever gone through. It allowed me to respect myself for who I was – hell, who I am today – with no strings attached.
And while I feel so successful, and so proud from that moment, it’s left a constant struggle in my life. An inability to open up. An inability to share. Especially here. Not because I worry about what you may think or the nasty things people may say. Not because I need acceptance from my peers or because I want to be liked by everyone.
Merely because the idea of someone feeling sorry for me in any form is a battle that leaves me conflicted every time I write, or even speak. Every word I speak that isn’t positive and encouraging leaves me with a lingering idea that someone may pity me, or my life, or the situation I’m in – and I want nothing to do with it. I cringe at people seeing what I have to say or how I feel and feeling a twinge of sympathy for me. Perhaps apathy suits me better – I don’t know.
But I struggle with being real here sometimes because I want you to know that I like when life gets hard because it helps me appreciate the good/easy times. I’m okay that life isn’t always sunshine and rainbows. And that I wasn’t dealt a perfect hand when I was born. I know in my heart that I’m going to be alright in the end and that’s enough to remind me each and every day that any second spent pitying myself is one second wasted. And for me, that’s not okay.
Have you crashed your pity parties? How do you keep pity from affecting how you live every day?
I choose solitude over social scenes. Tea and wine over soda and beer. Simplicities over complexities. And chocolate over all of those things any day.
To this day I battle with pity. I blame my ex-husband for A LOT. And he is to blame for a lot. But hell, I could have gotten rid of him a long time ago. It’s not like he turned into a jerk overnight. I don’t know, maybe part of me kept him around because I needed someone to blame.
It would be so nice to say “oh I realized what I was doing wrong, fixed it and now I’m all good.” Rarely does that happen. Knowing what’s wrong is definitely part of it. But I also think working on yourself EVERY SINGLE DAY is another part.
I know I’m still struggling. But I’m also working like crazy to be stronger because I don’t want my past to hurt my present and future.
To me it sounds like you’re making huge strives in the absolutely right direction and that it pretty amazing.
dear ashley
your words mean so much to me. i am currently in a massive low. it’s like i suddenly turned into someone who’s out of luck. everything falls together; not a single thing is working right at the moment. or so it seems. also, i laughed a lot when i read krysten’s comment (above). haha, same story (with my ex). isn’t it so funny that we ALL have problems of our own? and that we pity ourselves for them? life definitely IS a struggle. but controling our thoughts is the best way to improve it.
i would like to write a post about your post… i’ll link back to you of course. never done anything like that but it could be fun?
xo
scarlett
Scarlett,
Feel free to post – I would LOVE to read it! It’s such a good, and much-needed reminder, that we do all have our problems. And we do all have our own way of grieving. You’re right on controlling our thoughts. It’s the only way to improve how we feel.
How to begin..first, I’d like to say thank you, for taking emotions and problems that were in my head and putting them into words that actually make sense. I didn’t experience what you did relationship wise, but I am going through what you are emotionally and mentally. I recently got out of a relationship with a boy I’d been with for four years. He was my high school sweetheart. And I thought he’d be my lifetime love. But things changed and we ended it. After we did, I found myself plunging head first into the beginnings of a new relationship (something completely unlike me, I think it was due to me trying to push myself to move on) but (thankfully) the one that I had thought of establishing a relationship with decided that he “didn’t want a girlfriend” and then continued on to reject any interaction with me due to his interest in someone else. Not that I’m complaining- in all honesty, I’m not ready for a relationship. Not even close. Least of all a relationship with my Roomate of all people (lonely people do silly things). Anyway, recently I discovered that aforementioned ex is now in a relationship with a girl that he had been talking to when we were together. And I was informed by said ex that I “wasted his time” and “no one could change my mentality but myself, not even him” along with much more. The breakup combined with everything that was said, and the rejection from the second boy has left me feeling quite worthless and really, unlovable. I have been fighting feelings of guilt and despair and self pity. I kept questioning what id done wrong in both situations, over analyzing every conversation, argument, or action that was said and done, and working myself into a huge slump. I even went so far as to begin to turn into something close to a party girl (definitely unlike me. I hate alchohol and prefer books over killing my lungs with smoking, which is why this behavior really made me uncomfortable with myself) I didn’t think I’d get out of it. But I’ve come to realize, throwing myself a pity party and shutting out the world, or even partaking in destructive behavior (drinking, smoking, etc) won’t help me. I had decided to pick myself up and just be strong, because I know I am young and that my heart won’t be broken forever. I decided to take both situations as a lesson and learn from them. But I still felt like I was alone in this journey. Anyway, so you can stop wondering why I am sharing such a long story with you, I want you to know that your post..it has made me realize that other people are feeling the exact same thing as me. And that if they are strong enough to pull themselves out of a slump, then I am too. Thank you for sharing your story and providing comfort to troubled souls such as myself. You have no idea how much your words can impact a persons motivation to change. Never give up. Always believe in yourself. And continue to inspire others, because it’ll all be okay in the end.(:
Shawnee -
I’m so glad you felt like you were able to open up about your story. People do feel the same way you do and people get stronger from it. I have, and continue to on a daily basis, and know that you will to. I’m happy that even a sentence or two of mine were inspiring to you. It reminds me why I write these things.
Thank you for sharing!
I completely agree, Krysten. I’ve had to do a lot of on myself. Not a lot of it was easy and most of it left me temporarily feeling even worse than I did before. The whole “it gets harder before it gets easier” really held true for me. I know you’re a strong person – I can tell by the way you write and the words you speak. So I know that one day, you’ll find solace in everything that’s happened.
EXACTLY!!!! I have wrote a couple posts on the pity party “issue” and I can relate and agree with your view on it. I think you worded it perfectly!! Will def be writing a post and sharing yours! THANKS for being honest Ashley, love your writing and love that you share it friend! XOXOXO
Thank you so much for the encouraging words, Kristine. I’m so glad to know I’m not alone :)
I love that you wrote this even if its something uncomfortable to talk about, thats a start right there! I done this to myself so many times over and over, but I’ve learned through a lot of soul searching and reading that its all about our perception. We perceive and belief that pity is all that we can give to ourself, and return we worry that others will do it. I acknowledged why it was there in the first place, and what situations, words, people, surroundings, etc caused that to happen and how long it lasted. Jotting them down in journal I began to see a pattern, and its all about choosing in that moment to not let that feeling consume you, I do this by taking deep breathes and thinking of something I absolutely love. Then..I continue. I think its always about centering yourself to your authenticity. xx