January Celebration Giveaway Winners Announced!

January has wrapped up and I am proud to say that I did post every day during the month. I doubted myself numerous times, but it was worth it. All that being said, I have the giveaway winners to announce! For those of you that didn’t win, don’t worry. Another giveaway will be announced later this afternoon! :]

Comment Contest was used in determining the winners for this giveaway.

Grand Prize Winner: 24 items + 2 additional items

Advertising Winners:

Congratulations, winners!

Please email me at afterninetofive@gmail.com so I can get the details needed for your prizes!

Hoff The Chang

Sorry about the title, I could resist. My love for Community knows no bounds.

See that? That’s what I do  to my dog. I put ridiculous shirts on her to entertain the world.

Lucky for her, she loves it.

Who Would Find My Porn Stash?

Truth be told, I don’t even have a porn stash. I know, I know, I’ve probably lost your attention already.

But that doesn’t make this situation any easier for me.

Sometimes when I’m doing something a bit dangerous, I think about the scariest thing that could happen to me: I could die. Oddly enough, it doesn’t fuel hesitation in me. It doesn’t make me wonder “Should I just back out now and just chalk that one up to a bad idea?” It doesn’t do any of that. What it does do though is make me think.

I wonder if I did die, or even if I became a vegetable, who would find the bits and pieces of my life that have been hidden for so long.

Who would find out that my underwear is almost always scattered all over our bedroom floor? Who would find out that I rarely clean behind the toilet so a massive amount of dust bunnies live there? Who would find the birth control? And lingerie? The journals, the unsent letters? My laptop with my pictures, my thoughts.. or this blog? Who would be the one, scrutinizing my life under their microscope, without me to even attempt to make up an excuse to cover up the obvious truth?

Some very lucky person, that’s who.

Some days, when I walk out of the house, I wonder if I should have burned half of what I owned in our fire-place prior to leaving to cover up the evidence that I *gasp* lived and did some weird shit. Stuff that family may not approve of and things I may not be proud of. But I did it with class and I’m happy.

On those days, or the random moments when death creeps up on me and reminds me someone’s going to be awfully embarrassed in my bedroom if I screw up bad enough, I cross my fingers and hope it’s my fiance. But if it’s not him? If someone gets the pleasure of sifting through my twenty-four years on Earth if I become a replica of roadkill?

I want to give them something good to find. Something that will blow their mind.

To ensure this happens, I need to step it up a notch. I need to make my life look like something out of a movie, even if it’s entirely made up. So I’ll write letters to my second family that doesn’t exist and never send them. I’ll find and own the raunchiest porn collection known to man. I’ll buy prescribed pills that I’ll never have to take. I’ll take pictures of random body parts of hundreds of people, just to scatter my walls with them. I’ll own every book and movie on serial killers and basket-weaving. And I’ll make sure to include a note in my will about how I only want my legs and arms cremated and then carried around in a fanny pack by every living family member.

Then, and only then, I won’t feel so bad about the dust bunnies living amongst my underwear.

– ♦ –

All month long I’m celebrating turning twenty-four with a month filled of true awesomeness. Make sure to check out the thirty-one days of self-indulgent posts that uncover the real person behind the blog and enter the twenty-four item giveaway that runs all month!

New Project: Calling All Writers!

For those who like talking about themselves and their relationships I have a project in the works and I’m interested in hearing from you!

I’m looking for writers who:

  • Are dating, engaged, married, or somehow involved with someone else
  • Like to talk about the ins and out of these various forms of relationship
  • Think there’s more to a relationship than children
  • Have a sense of humor

This new co-authored blog will be launching towards the end of February and I am looking to find 5-10 writers prior to the launch. Looking for both males and females. If interested in receiving more information about this project, please send me an email {afterninetofive@gmail.com} or leave your email address in a comment and I will get it to you shortly!

ADDED: You are able to write anonymously if interested, as well!

– ♦ –

All month long I’m celebrating turning twenty-four with a month filled of true awesomeness. Make sure to check out the thirty-one days of self-indulgent posts that uncover the real person behind the blog and enter the twenty-four item giveaway that runs all month!

Some Days Life Just Isn’t Meant To Work

From time to time I wake up and immediately think the day will be horrid. Sometimes I’m wrong, usually I’m right. Today was not one of those days. Today was one of those days that I woke up in a delightful mood, from my food induced coma, and thought to myself “It’s Friday. It’s going to be a good day.”

And while tonight has a shot at fulfilling those dreams, the day so far has crushed my soul.

Our dishwasher has been leaking so we had a nice bowl under it to catch the water. It overflowed and the nastiness of food remnants found its way out from under the sink to my kitchen floor. And my griddle. And my shoes. And my pants.

I stepped on our cat by accident when trying to dodge the salmon colored sludge seeping out of our cupboards who in turn bit me.

In order to change my major, I had to speak to four people, only for the last one to just tell me she would email me the form I already had.

Our new laptop decided that no matter how many times I click “remember my password” for every site I frequently use, it wasn’t going to happen. And that it was necessary to turn off wireless capability. (Why is that feature even necessary!?)

A new program I purchased for designing decided it wouldn’t understand the concept of saving.

And a teeny, tiny crazy jumping spider found our couch. And then me.

{ BUT TONIGHT . . . }

Tonight will be spent doing this:

Going to see The Dilemma

Eating dinner at Moe’s

And then going to see the top 5 from the latest Last Comic Standing do stand-up

So I hope that your day is as good as my evening sounds and nothing at all like my day.

Happy Friday everyone!

Happy Birthday To Me: My A Thru Z

I turned twenty-four today and lounging around in my pajamas has been the highlight of my celebrating. Tonight, my plans are to continue the pajama lounging and watch Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World as I have yet to see it while I eat an obscene amount of food and then fall asleep halfway through the movie.

However, before I go into the food coma, I figured I would continue with my oversharing babble on celebrating this whole month with twenty-four facts about me that you should know if we’re going to continue this exquisite relationship.

Once again, probably not for those that get easily offended, or grossed out, or don’t like my twisted sense of humor.

I love to read, and have a ton of books, but I don’t remember the last time I finished a book.

I have radio ADD. I like too many different kinds of music and too many songs that I rarely listened to a full song.
I hate the following words: pork as a verb, tat, and vag (but I don't mind the word vagina.)
I always eat what I dislike or like the least first and finish with my favorite food. If I can’t decide, I combine the choices, no matter what they are.

I can hold my pee for hours yet I’m not really sure why I do.

I love new gadgets. We own 1 desktop, 4 laptops, and almost every gaming console.

My favorite author is Chuck Palahniuk and my favorite book is Fight Club or Choke.

I love walking barefoot everywhere but in grass.

I’ve gotten one speeding ticket in my life, but have been pulled over 3 times.

I’m terrified of drowning, but I love the ocean and snorkeling.

I’d prefer to text or email someone than call them.

I'm incredibly blunt and even more sarcastic. So I usually don't play well with others.

I love the thought of having a pen-pal, but never have had one.

I loathe body hair. I would get it removed with a laser if I had the money.

I have one tattoo and would like to get at least one more.

I have met only one famous person and one band: Josh Blue and Killswitch Engage.

I hate being the center of attention most of the time.

I wish I had more close friends that I trusted with my life, but I think I'm too picky.

I’ve been cheated on and am actually happy that I was.

I hate yellow gold and usually white gold, too. I prefer silver.

I hate feet. Anyone’s feet, not just my own.

I'm not close with any of my family because I didn't live by any of them since I was five years old.

I love thinking about life and all of it’s mysteries. But just as much, I love letting my mind go blank.

I love cover songs. I usually like them more than the original.

Nipples, Weddings, Cable TV, and Design – What Else?

You asked and now I’m answering! One way to enter the giveaway I’m currently hosting was to ask questions for me to answer. In an effort to not end up with a novel at the end of the month, I figured I would answer some now.

P.S This post is not for those easily offended or grossed out or opposed to my twisted sense of humor. My entire blog really isn’t, but this post especially. No saying you haven’t been warned.

Why do men have nipples?

In an effort to not give away any of the book, I’ll go with the second most logical answer. They have nipples so women can give them purple nurples. Otherwise there is truly no need for them.

Why did you first decide to become a vegetarian?

This coming February will mark 8 years of being a vegetarian and my reasons haven’t changed really. For some reason, I had an issue with seeing chickens get their beaks cut off and cows being tasered and pigs stuffed full of steroids. And I got kicked by a cow once. I figured it was karma and since I live in Wisconsin, getting kicked by a cow again was pretty likely.

What show do you miss the most now that you canceled your cable?

I miss True Blood. Oh man, do I miss that show. But that’s not because I canceled cable. It’s because it’s not really on right now. Pretty much all shows I watched on cable, I can watch online. Other than stupid HBO shows, which are probably the most addicting.

What has been the most difficult thing so far about the journey to self-employment?

Not having a set of directions or someone I can tell “I think this is stupid – change it or else I walk.” Because A) I would have to create said directions which is completely ridiculous. And B) If it’s stupid, I did it. And if I’m walking, I’m walking out… my door? On myself? Yeah, that sounds even more ridiculous.

What was the scariest thing about choosing self-employment?

The scariest thing is not having that safety net from working for the man. If the business crumbles, it’s probably my fault. And if I don’t get a paycheck one week, there’s no one saying “Oops – we screwed up the paperwork and it’ll be in next week’s check.” It’s all on me and despite my mad skills, sometimes I’m not perfect.

What is the most exciting thing about choosing self-employment?

Much much more difficult to answer this one because so far, it’s been AMAZING. But some of the highlights: wearing pajamas more often than not, not having to go out when it’s cold, being able to pee whenever I want to (this? this is a big deal.), and spending too much time on the Internet and blogging.

What are the top 5 songs on your wedding day playlist?

Okay, here’s a little tip about me: my likes are like a revolving door. They never really go away – they just keep rotating and squishing more and more things in until it’s full and life stops. My life has yet to stop though. So here are five of my favorite songs for the reception:

  • Train – Marry Me
  • Michael Franti and Spearhead – Say Hey (I Love You)
  • Jason Mraz – I’m Yours
  • Dave Matthews – You and Me
  • Paramore – The Only Exception
  • Tim McGraw – Live Like You Were Dying
  • Adam Sandler – I Wanna Grow Old With You

Yeah, that’s seven. So what?

What is your favorite thing about blogging?

You mean other than what feels like endless hours of work for negative results at times? Just kidding, kind of. I’ve met some really awesome people, even offline, so that’s pretty cool. I love learning about people and seeing the things they do, or the things they make. Whenever I need inspiration, I know where to go. And whenever I lose my big girl panties, I know where to go to find them.

Do you do all your web design?

I sure do. I’m crafty like that. In February, I’ll be “relaunching” After Nine To Five with a brand new layout I’m working on and offering up my skillz to everyone. Along with some other pretty badass things so keep an eye out! Or two eyes if you’re feeling extra-excited.

That’s all, folks! I’ll answer more next week, but keep them coming!

– ♦ –

All month long I’m celebrating turning twenty-four with a month filled of true awesomeness. Make sure to check out the thirty-one days of self-indulgent posts that uncover the real person behind the blog and enter the twenty-four item giveaway that runs all month!

I Give To You My First Vlog

When I committed to posting every day this month, I also agreed to do my first vlog. And I immediately regretted the latter. I tried to figure out a way to get out of it, reminding myself that the likelihood of people remembering was probably slim to none. But I would know. And that crap just doesn’t fly around here.

So I present my first vlog of useless babble:

I will say this though: I enjoyed it. After about the 80th try. Just kidding, it was only 79 tries.

– ♦ –

All month long I’m celebrating turning twenty-four with a month filled of true awesomeness. Make sure to check out the thirty-one days of self-indulgent posts that uncover the real person behind the blog and enter the twenty-four item giveaway that runs all month!

The Truth Behind My Wedding Dress

When Nathan and I started planning our wedding, we sat down and looked at the budget first. I found percentages for each portion of the wedding and reception, created a spreadsheet, and then had a heart attack.

Per my calculations, and the dozens of websites I’d reviewed, our percentage for attire should be between 10-15% of our total budget. Now, I knew wedding dresses were expensive. And I knew I’d need shoes. And that a Storm Trooper shirt would not be sufficient for walking down the aisle. And that my skin was not nearly perfect enough to go au natural. And that he may want shoes, too.

But I didn’t anticipate spending $500+ on a dress that I was pretty sure would find a happier home during a Trash The Dress session. So I scoured the Internet and read hundreds of horror stories about buying cheap dresses from David’s Bridal. And dresses falling apart after purchase. And women biting each other over dresses. Okay, the last one may be untrue, BUT I’m sure it has happened.

Then you know what I did? I lost my big girl panties and cried over it. You may think that it’s entirely logical for a lady to cry over the wedding dress predicament, but in this instance? It wasn’t. For dozens more reasons than the one I’m about to tell you.

The reality of the situation was that I already had a dress. A perfect dress, even.

The story goes something like this: I had purchased a dress for Halloween from Goodwill to use as a Halloween costume. We were going to go camping over Halloween weekend and my intent was to dress up like a a classy, elegant zombie lady. It was going to be stellar. Only it never happened. Wisconsin weather won out and we never went camping that weekend. I also never zombiefied the dress. So it sat, collecting fur in my closet.

I couldn’t bring myself to parting with it. Or ruining it with my original intentions either. The secret slipped out and all of a sudden, even before we were engaged, Nathan knew. He knew I wanted to get married and he also knew that the $25 dress I had found was making me just a tad bit more crazy about the idea.

What I didn’t mention before was that the dress was a wedding dress. And it was also in perfect condition. Flawless. Well, other than the fact that the original wearer had a chest about 2x the size of mine. And that it was almost identical to ones I had ogled over when planning my so-called picture perfect wedding.

So I found my big girl panties again, wiped the snot from my nose, and stood proudly, deciding that the $25 dress that someone possibly had sex in or did other unmentionable things in would be my wedding dress. And while Nathan didn’t find the matching tuxedo that was used for such lascivious acts, he skipped the whole tuxedo idea and our overall attire percentage was about 2%.

Too bad the rest isn’t as cheap and easy.

– ♦ –

All month long I’m celebrating turning twenty-four with a month filled of true awesomeness. Make sure to check out the thirty-one days of self-indulgent posts that uncover the real person behind the blog and enter the twenty-four item giveaway that runs all month!

January Celebration Day 16: A Hard Day’s Work

This is how we spent our night:

Monopoly Dot Com Edition

No one won. We called it a draw after a few hours. It took forever.

I was too the point that I would have voluntarily lost.

And that’s just crazy.

– ♦ –

All month long I’m celebrating turning twenty-four with a month filled of true awesomeness. Make sure to check out the thirty-one days of self-indulgent posts that uncover the real person behind the blog and enter the twenty-four item giveaway that runs all month!